Setting Limits, Saying ‘No,’ and Sticking to It

When kids are young, it’s easy to set limits on conduct that may put their health or safety at risk. If the seat belt is unbuckled, the car doesn’t start. If the helmet isn’t worn, the bike stays in the garage.

That can work with behavior that may lead to obesity, such as eating too much and exercising too little. Get the junk food out of the kitchen. Keep TVs out of kids’ rooms. You have to say "no" a lot less if you make your home a safe environment.

But as children grow older, risks get more complex and restrictions harder to enforce. That’s especially true when working parents can’t always be around to be the disciplinarian.

What works for young children doesn’t work for preteens. And being overcontrolling can make the problem worse.

Kids of nine or 10 are entering a phase of independence. It won’t be effective to say to them, “The doctor says you’re overweight, so we have to cut way down on sweets.” Chances are, your child will find sweets or junk food elsewhere—at friends’ houses or even buying it themselves. The key is moderation. Reinforce the good decisions and be able to discuss, calmly but appropriately, the not-so-good decisions. It’s the same with a whole range of temptations, from cigarettes to sex.

Let your kids know that they can approach you, and that you’ll listen to what they have to say. Just when kids seem to deserve love the least is when they need it most.

Lay Down the Law—But Do It Gently

• Be relaxed, friendly, and open-minded when you talk about troublesome behavior.
• Offer choices that help set limits but give kids a chance to exercise independence.
• Reward good behavior with praise, which promotes self-esteem. Don’t use food as a reward.
• Be a good role model. Kids are great imitators.
• With older kids, let minor mistakes cause natural consequences. If your teen uses his lunch money for something else, for instance, he goes hungry. Step in only when his actions are dangerous, illegal, or harmful to themselves or others.